Mood: I'm not completely sure myself.
Hey bloggers, it's been almost two years and no one is probably even reading this but I just needed to write out all my thoughts and feelings right now.
The past two years have been a mixture of ups and downs for me and although right now I'm going through a huge low-I'm hoping that it won't last too long and I can move on to better things and happier times.
2015 was my year, I lost 3 stone, gained so much confidence, began a course I thought I'd never have the courage to do and then in April I began a relationship with my first serious boyfriend.
This was my best year I can remember in such a long time and I have no regrets but often think what it would be like to re-live that year and do some things differently.
Fast forward to summer of 2016 and things have changed completely again.
I'll begin on a positive-I finished and passed my year long course and couldn't be more pleased!
During my relationship I literally gained back all the weight I lost and lost all of my confidence and feel so horrible. I can't believe I didn't realise I had gained so much weight.
I also had my heart broken.
The break up was difficult(for me more than him), although we remain on good terms and I consider him a friend, I also wish I could hate him and push him away because staying in contact is difficult.
He never loved me back and although he told me this during our relationship, I was foolish enough to stay with him and believe his feelings would change. They never did.
He took a new job and moved away and basically this was the ending to our relationship-he didn't want to make it work and I know my brain is telling me it was the right thing to do. My heart on the other hand, is constantly wishing things were different and wants him back.
I'm at a stage in my life where I'm confused and I don't know what to do. I'm seeing people the same age as me getting married and having children and I am so envious of what they have. I always wanted to be married by the time I was 23/24 and here I am, aged 23 and 8 months and I'm newly single and hating it already.
People are trying to be kind right now and say, you'll eventually move on and find someone new and you'll find true happiness etc. I appreciate the kindness and I know things will be better eventually but right now is shit. Absolutely horrible. There's no other words to describe the feeling.
I just want to fast forward to the part where I am just happy.
I've always watched scenes in TV shows and films of what heartbreak feels like and nothing actually compared when you go through it yourself. It's been almost a month and I wasn't prepared to cry this much and to feel angry and sad about things I wouldn't normally get emotional over.
I didn't understand that if you watched a TV show with your ex it hurts to continue to watch the show and you even end up not watching it.
Lyrics in songs. You finally realise what they mean and then you either cry or feel empowered (mostly crying for me though).
Seeing places you went to together and just getting a tight feeling in your chest and it's hard to breathe because you remember all of the good times.
You feel lonely, you could get all the attention from family and friends but it's not the same. You had a certain bond and way you act with someone and know they're not there anymore to share things with you.
You get jealous and you don't feel good enough and you think you won't meet anyone else. In my case I feel like I was unlovable and that no one else will love me. I feel as if when I meet someone new and tell them my ex boyfriend didn't love me after 15 months together then they'll think something is wrong with me. It's horrible because I know I wasn't a bad girlfriend but I just don't feel good enough for anyone.
I am trying to stay positive and not let things take over my life but it's hard right now, you think no one else can possibly be going through the same thing you are dealing with. THEY ARE! I know I'm not the only one who's had their heart broken; I'm not the first and definitely won't be the last.
More than anything I just want somebody to talk to about things and someone who understands what I'm going through.
Despite everything I've just said I'm trying to stay positive and here's a few things I've done that's made me happy or just takes my mind off things.
Passed my theory test- not being able to drive is one of my biggest issues, I've sat my test twice and failed and it knocked my driving confidence and I stopped for a few years. I had to re-do my theory test again and I passed first time (again haha).
I have another nephew! He is absolutely gorgeous and I'm blessed to have such cute children in my family. I'm an aunt to 3 nieces and 2 nephews. Christmas is going to be expensive this year.
I made a Spotify album of feel good songs and I listen to them now and again when I'm having a really down moment.
I'm determined to lose weight again and eat healthily and exercise-I've bought a healthy shop today and I'm trying to stay focuses.
I work in a school and I'm going back to a new class in September, I know it's definitely going to keep me busy and a new routine will be good.
It sounds weird but imagining what you want from an ideal partner and future relationship really puts your last one into perspective and it's helping me to move on a bit.
Planning to see friends-sometimes the last thing you want is to leave the house and see people but I think it'll do me the world of good and take my mind off things.
Anyway, I think I've babbled enough for this post and I feel like I've got so much off my chest. I'm going to leave it here and hopefully this won't be the last post I write!
Goodbye for now.
Love from Bethan